10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tips #6 & #7

Tip #6: Forgive...and maybe even Forget

Forgiveness...I know, I know, this is way easier said than done. I too have had times in the past where I dug my heels in and refused to let go of a grudge. Whether it is a simple issue or a big issue, the energy it takes to keep your heels dug in on a grudge is draining and takes up mental "baggage" space in your life. Forgiving does not mean that everything goes back to normal with who ever the person was that you had the issue with. It just means that you're resolving to mentally "put a period" to the issue and start a new sentence. You may not forget and you may not go back to clinking cocoa mugs with this person again, but you can let go of the negative feelings you have towards them. Negative feelings and emotions towards others is unnecessary baggage to carry around. Leave it curbside people.

Tip #7: Help Yourself...to a Self-Help Book!

If you find yourself repeatedly "unpacking" and "repacking" the same mental/emotional "baggage", then perhaps you may need some reinforcement. Self-help books are a good resource when you need a cognitive process to help you out of your rut or perhaps a better understanding of the rut you are in. There are tons, and I do mean tons, of them out there. So I took the liberty of finding a few sites that have organized the books by typical issues. I also listed below a few other resources that you may find useful. Read your way to a better you!

*Books Organized by Common "issues" - Scroll to the bottom of the page

*The Artists Way - This is a "new-agey" type book about rediscovering your creative self

*Best Selling Self-Help Books - Gives a brief overview of each book

*A New Earth - A challenging & insightful read about how to recognize and let go of your "ego"

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #5

Addendum to Tip#4:

Brunch today with a very good girlfriend of mine reminded me of another category that you can add to the list, FINANCES! Given the current economy, it's definitely a good idea to rate this area of your life.

Tip #5: Pick up the Needle and Stop the Tape!

One of the easiest forms of "baggage" to recognize is the music playing in our head. The old "records and tapes" of negative self-talk that often makes it's way into our thoughts and speech in the form of "not so nice" opinions slung at you in the past by your parents, a former lover, or even that "jungle gym" bully from the 5th grade. Let today be the day that you pick up the needle and stop the tape on all the negative self-talk that you have been replaying in your head or have let seep into your conversation. You know...when someone compliments you and instead of saying "thank you", you launch into a "one man/woman roast" of yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but it's not impossible. Start by trying to spend a few hours a day not saying anything bad about you. Gradually increase the time until you have experienced a full day of not talking down to yourself. Practice makes progress people!

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #4

Tip #4: Rate Your Life!

Okay this tip is a fun one. Even you skeptics out there should find this to be a useful and practical tool. So here's what you do:

1. Create a chart with five columns across and six rows down.
2. In the first column, type the following categories, from top to bottom. One word per cell: Friends, Family, Love, Career, Spirituality, Health/Wellness
3. Using the four remaining columns, working from left to right, do the following:
-Rate it! Rate the category on a scale of 1-10 (10 being "everything in this area of my life is fabulous!")
-What’s Great! Type in what's great about that area of your life
-Get to 10! Type in what needs to change to make it a 10 (if it's not already a 10)
-Action Plan! Type in your action steps for getting that area to a 10.

4. Last but not least, work your action plan. Check in with it periodically to see how you're progressing. Try to do something each week towards your plan.

10 Tips for Unpacking your "Baggage" - Tip #3

Tip #3: Get an Advocate!

Now that you have all of this feedback and insight on yourself, it's important to stay aware of the unproductive behaviors you want to change. One way to do this is by getting an advocate. Your advocate is basically someone who you trust (usually a best friend), who knows you and cares enough about you to tell you when you're "happening" again. They are the person you authorize in your life to be "straight up" with you when they observe you exhibiting the behaviors you're working to change or when you solicit their opinion. We're all works in progress so it's very likely that you will "happen" more often than not, but don't get discouraged. Your baggage didn't build up over night so don't expect to be able to unpack it in one night either. With the help of your advocate you'll find yourself getting more aware of your unproductive behaviors and better able to manage them.

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #2

Addendum to Tip #1:
A few things to keep in mind...

• Don't call a former boyfriend/girlfriend for feedback that you're not still on speaking terms with...trust me, it's not a good look.
• You can also ask your friends for feedback but remember; no retaliation! Just listen.
• Two questions you can ask when you call/see the person: 1) What was/is cool about dating me/being with me? and 2) What was/is challenging about dating me/being with me?
  

Tip #2: Own it!
Sometimes hearing feedback on ourselves, whether from a friend, a boss, co-worker or current/former significant other, can be difficult. Keep in mind that feedback is a collection of perceptions. At times it can be spot on and other times it can be way the heck in left field. Use your gut to evaluate whether or not a specific piece of feedback feels relevant. If it doesn’t feel relevant, leave it. Don’t let your “negative self talk” convince you otherwise. But if it does feel relevant (e.g. you’ve heard it more than once from a variety of people!) and it’s something you want to change, then OWN IT! Owning it is about being honest with yourself regarding other people’s experience of you. Once you own up to it, you will find yourself more aware of that behavior and better able to modify it accordingly.

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #1

Ahhh the holidays...the time of year when you're visiting with loved ones, stressing about the fact that the year is almost over and you didn't do what you said you were going to do, eating like you have a tapeworm and of course (for some of you single peeps) wishing you had a special someone. Last year I wrote a post on getting your Baggage Down to Carry-On Size. Several of you asked me to provide some tips on how to do it. So with ten days left in 2008, I figured I'd give you my 10 Tips for Unpacking Your Baggage before 2009 rolls in. Hey, you could spend your holidays eating fruit cake or working on building a better you. I vote for the latter. I'll write about one tip per day so make sure you check back!

Tip #1: Get Feedback
One thing we don't often do is ask the people we have been in a relationship with for feedback. Your significant other, past or present, gets to see you in a light that others may not ever see. So if you're serious about unpacking your baggage and being a "better" you, then what better place to start than with some good ol' honest feedback. Caution, when you ask for the feedback, be prepared that it might sting. Your job in that moment is simply to understand where they are coming from. There will be time to evaluate the information later. For now, just listen and ask questions for clarification. If you're single, try to get feedback from at least three people you have dated. If you're in a relationship, try to get as much honest feedback from your partner as possible. We'll talk about what to do with this feedback in my next tip.

Cheating Men on Oprah

After rushing home from work, getting in a pitiful little 30 minute workout, talking on the phone with my mother and then high-tailing it over to a fellow therapist’s house, we settled in to watch Oprah tell us “why men cheat?” The show featured licensed mental health counselor, M. Gary Neuman along with several couples brave enough to publicly share their struggles with infidelity. I have to say…I didn’t hear anything earth shatteringly new. It basically just confirmed that the reason why men cheat…is the same reason why women cheat. Although, I did get a good belly laugh out of Gary’s suggestion to lo-jack your man or take him for a lie detector test if you suspect he’s cheating. I find it hard to believe that any man who is cheating would agree to take a lie detector test. From my perspective, women ARE lie detector tests! Our “women’s intuition” is all the test we need. Just be sure it’s coming from a place of “gut instinct and substantial proof” and not “neurotic insecurity”. I’ve had clients and friends ask me if it’s okay for them to go through their man’s stuff or tap their phone. My answer is always the same. If you even feel compelled to play Inspector Clouseau, that’s your intuition telling you that he’s cheating. The problem is that women often want the confession so despite the flashing neon sign above his head that says cheater, we want to hear it from his mouth. So we spend a lot of time and energy trying to create a “gotcha!” moment when that energy is best spent confronting your man. Gary’s book is about prevention and helping women see the signs and create an environment that a man would not want to stray from. But the reality is that it takes two to cheat. The man is not the only one being fulfilled in an affair. So the question then becomes, are we all so eager to fulfill our own needs that we’re willing to violate the boundaries of others' relationships? The best way to combat the cheating man, is for women to take a stand and say, I will not involve myself with any man currently in a relationship. Can you imagine if we all took that stand? Where would the cheating man go? My guess is…back home. And once he’s there…feel free to implement Gary’s tips.

Relationship Talk Series: Express Yourself

Although it’s never been scientifically supported, the going theory is that women use twice as many words per day as men. Yet with all these words flying around, people often struggle to find the right one’s to express themselves in their relationship. And when you add in the often inevitable emotional misinterpretation, what you get resembles that of a “who’s on first” meets vaudeville mash up. It often goes like this:

Girl – “Babe, the other day when you said blah blah, what did you mean by that?”
Boy – “I didn’t mean anything”
Girl – “Well, it’s just that, when you say things like that it makes me think you don’t blah blah”
Boy – “....siggghhh...”
Girl – “What was that about?”
Boy – “I didn’t even say anything!”
Girl – “I know but you sighed!”
Boy – “So I can’t sigh now?”
Girl - “Ugggh!! This is exactly what I’m talking about!”

If you are now convinced that I have somehow taped your phone conversations, fear not. Ineffective communication is a common reality in relationships and is often cited as a prevailing catalyst to divorce. That being said, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. But you should definitely get a handle on it before it completely hijacks your relationship. Start by being direct and saying exactly what you mean. Beating around the bush only makes you and your partner dizzy and frustrated. Be careful not to let “emotional red-herrings” like sighing take your conversation off course. And if your partner is just not getting it or you feel like you’re speaking at the verbal equivalent of an eighth grader, just stop and try again at a later time when perhaps the emotions of the situation aren’t so high. And if all else fails…listen.

The 25-35 Box: Keep Your “Two Cents”

It seems like forever ago when I was first eligible to check the 25-35 age box. I remember thinking I don’t feel any different now that I’m “older”. But lately, I’ve been in reflection mode and came to the realization that several elements about life have changed, when I wasn’t looking. One in particular is the practice of giving out your two cents to your friends. Once upon a time, giving your two cents to your friends about their love life and daily decisions was expected if not solicited. A day out with the girls (or guys) seemed to always be peppered with ER style triage sessions of “advice giving” and “judgment slinging” followed by a chorus of whatever the latest “girl you don’t need him” song was. What’s funny is that those sessions seemed to always eventually end with the “patient” doing the exact opposite of the advice they were given. It’s as if the morphine high of confidence wore off leaving the friend to follow their own heart/mind. That brings me back to the 25-35 age box. It seems that at this age, we’ve finally grown exhausted from resuscitating the same issues with our friends. Not only have we grown exhausted…we’ve grown up. So does growing up mean we no longer care to triage our friends through their issues? I’d say no. It just means we should find ourselves being more supportive and less judgmental. My motto these days is, “you like it...I love it!” Feel free to use it.

Pop Topics…A break from my norm

Jesse Jackson: Hi Hater!

Carl Jung, or even Sigmund Freud for that matter would be having a field day with the gross display of untamed ego that Jesse Jackson let loose from his mouth this week about Barack Obama. I had to watch the footage twice on you tube to make sure I heard him correctly. Surely this established, civil rights activist and semi-pied piper of issues facing the urban less fortunate did not just say he wanted to cut the n**$% off of the eventual democratic nominee for president? On the “deplorable statements made in the press” scale, this clearly ranks up there with the belligerent remarks of Imus. Primarily because it’s an illustration of the proverbial crabs in a barrel scenario that all too often rears its clichéd head in the black community. At the end of the day, Jesse’s comments are a reflection of his own unhealthy ego and insecurity seeking to heal itself through the degradation of another. Sad considering the fact that he was speaking about the very someone who personifies all that Jesse’s activism career has been striving to realize. I always say, words are the one thing that no matter how much you apologize for them, you just can’t take them back. So, watch what you say folks.

The Balancing Act

It only took a sugary rimmed glass of something too sweet for my teeth, followed by a few swigs of “three buck Chuck” (fantastic, cheap wine from Trader Joe’s) to make me question my perspective on love and relationships. I was lounging with a few girl friends of mine, one of whom is a fellow therapist, when a question about relationships came up. Specifically, the question up for debate was, is there ever a balance of love in a relationship? My initial response was “Yes! Of course! Balance is the mark of a healthy relationship!” To which my girlfriends replied that someone “always loves the other more or is doing more at varying points throughout the relationship”. Although the measure of how much you love someone is relative, their statement did get me thinking about whether balance was necessary for a relationship to be healthy. I can easily name countless relationships fueled by the torturous ‘cat and mouse’ game. Not to mention several marriages thriving on the ebb and flow of their love. Turn on the radio and everyone is singing about some push-pull love affair. Is balance an achievable goal in a relationship or will the bell curve always be skewed towards one person or the other? So here’s what I’m thinking. Don’t measure the balance of a relationship by moments in time, measure it by the long haul. When one person’s side of the scale is low on rocks, help fill them up. When your side is low on rocks they’ll help you fill up. It’s not about who gives more at a point in time but rather, over the long haul, are we both contributing all that we are capable of to keep the scales of the relationship in balance. I’ll drink to that…

Sex and the City: An Ode to Reality, At Last!

The movie palette of women eighteen and over finally got quenched with the nationwide release of the highly anticipated Sex and the City movie premiere. And what a premiere it was! I don’t know if it was the scores of Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda look-a-likes sitting in the seats or the frenetic excited chatter during the previews but I found myself feeling a bit nervous. I’m a big fan of the show and really wanted it to live up to all the hype. And boy did it ever! For all the obvious reasons of course (i.e. cast, clothing, storyline) but more importantly for the statement it made about relationships. It was an honest testament to the reality of love. It demonstrated that love, in all its beauty, romance, fantasy and fairytale is impeccably complex and flawed. Between Charlotte’s failed search for perfection ending unexpectedly with Harry, Miranda’s cynicism dissolving in the face of marital vows and of course Carrie and Bigs’ seemingly endless emotional tennis match, Michael Patrick King did the impossible…he brought reality to the fairytale. He showed that even though the journey is not always free of drama it doesn’t mean you can’t have your own happy ending. How’s that for hope? Bravo Sex and the City….Simply Fabulous!

The New Year's Rut: Get In the Race!

2008 rang in with a bang! You read my “Year of the Arrival” post, you recommitted yourself to your list of resolutions, and overall you just felt that this year is going to be a better year for you. Next thing you knew, you looked up and it’s February and you’re still at the starting blocks watching everyone else run the race. Here are a few quick tips to get you going if you’re stuck in the New Year’s Rut:

Creative Visualization – This is a short, easy read by author, Shakti Gawain. It basically talks you through the power of day dreaming. It provides simple strategies to realize the results you want in your life by visualizing them. Seriously, it works…

Feng Shui- The art of feng shui is truly amazing. Simply put, it’s about the placement and presentation of objects in your space (i.e. home, office, etc.) for the purpose of maximizing the flow of chi or positive energy in your life. I recommend Feng Shui for the Soul by Denise Linn.

Physical Activity- Really any physical activity will do. I prefer taking a dance class or some sort of sport. The point is to create momentum in your life by getting your body moving.

Check out a Friend- Go visit a friend of yours who “has it together”. Hang out in their space with them. Sometimes just seeing someone else “making moves” is enough to get you energized again. Let them inspire you to be your best self.

Break it Down- If you have a myriad of things on your plate, don’t try to tackle the whole pile. Categorize the things you have to do and then begin to tackle your list one category at a time.

2008: The Year of the Arrival!!!

Faithful readers of this blog know that each year my best friend Kailei and I declare an inspirational theme to guide us and our friends throughout the year. Quick recap…2005 was the year of Execution. 2006 was the year of the Breakthrough. 2007 was the year of the Come Up and now 2008 is the year of the Arrival!
With each year and each passing theme we’ve been readying ourselves as individuals to make our mark. If you check out the word “arrive” in a thesaurus, it’s described as reaching your destination, being delivered and to succeed. Claim 2008 as the Arrival of the new and improved you! The “you” that’s reaching the destination of your dreams, that’s being spiritually delivered and succeeding in life. Let this be the year that the power of positive thinking brings the Arrival of whatever you’ve been praying for, dreaming about or trying to change in yourself and your life. Affirm it to yourself in this moment! Any failed attempts from the past to reinvent yourself are null and void. All that matters is now. Get your mind into it, get your spirit into it and get your body into it! Commit to letting go of past bad habits, procrastination, negative thinking, poor decision making or anything that kept you from being your best self and achieving your goals. Diana Ross said it best, “I’m coming out! I want the world to know! Gotta let it show!” So get ready for your close up. It’s 2008…the Arrival of YOU!!