Baggage...Get it Down to Carry-on Size!

When it comes to relationships, I always say that no one can single-handedly sink a relationship and conversely, no one can single-handedly make it succeed. Yet, when relationships go awry, the first thing some people tend to do is ask themselves, "what did I do wrong?" So if this is any consolation, let me start by saying, it wasn't all YOUR fault. Nine times out of ten it was the result of a collision of baggage!

We all show up to our relationships with baggage. Baggage is basically the sum total and by-product of all the experiences we've had in our lives. The challenge of the relationship is to navigate through that baggage and form a loving, committed, mutually respectful, supportive and compatible bond. So the question is, how much baggage do you have and how is it impacting your ability to form healthy relationships? Think about it for a second...are you bringing your over sized skis, extra heavy suitcase with the duct tape on it and the clothes spilling out the sides? Or maybe you have so much that you showed up to the relationship with a Uhaul truck and some movers?!

To All Men and Women, my philosophy is this, get your baggage down to carry on size! If the issues you're bringing into your relationship can't figuratively fit underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin, then you have some introspection to do. A little baggage is normal, but more than that spells trouble. So before you get into your next relationship, do a little unpacking....

(look for upcoming tips on how to "unpack" your baggage)

Shortage of Good Black Men: Epidemic or Farce?

Let me start by saying that the impetus for this article is very positive. What I mean by that is, for anything to be considered a shortage it has to first be "in demand". I think it's very positive that "Good Black Men" are in demand.

The other day, my best friend Kailei forwarded me a link to a YouTube clip about the reported shortage of Black Men. It was quite thought provoking as it addressed and disputed all of the usual reported numbers of Black Men in jail, gay or not educated. It took a stand and asked viewers not to believe all of the alleged statistics about Black Men. I even felt a goose bump or two as the narrator ended by basically saying that there are indeed good Black Men out there, so don't believe everything you read. I was ready to say "You go boy!" when it hit me.....I can count on all 10 fingers and toes the numbers of intelligent, accomplished, attractive, not crazy young Black women who are single and wishing they weren't. On the other side of the coin, I can name quite a few Good Black Men who insist they can't find a good Black Woman. How can this be? How can two groups of people who are looking for each other, be so "lost in the sauce" trying to find each other?

In speaking with my girlfriends, guy friends and even my counseling patients, it became abundantly clear that "good" Black Men meant many different things depending on who I was speaking with. Some defined "good" by level of education, looks, income, humor, chemistry, maturity, or some combination thereof. Others rattled off lists of criteria from here to kingdom come describing what "good" meant to them. The truth is, the longer your list is the smaller your pool to pick from.

To all Men and Women, here's my advice: It's okay to have preferences, but for your own sake, narrow it down to a few "deal-breakers" and let the rest be icing on the cake. If you have a laundry list of criteria you may in effect be sabotaging yourself (I'd need a virtual couch to address this topic!)

So is there a shortage of "Good Black Men"?....Well, I guess it all depends on how you define "Good".

Do Men have an Instinct to Cheat?

I was listening to the radio on my way to work this morning when I caught an hour segment dedicated to relationships. The on-air personality asked listeners to call in and talk about why relationships don't seem to be working out these days. So a male listener called in and after hearing what he had to say I was ready to call the station myself! Basically what he said is that the reason relationships are not "working out" these days is because women don't know how to stand by their man after their man has cheated. He went on to say that men have been this way for years and will continue to cheat because it's a man's instinct to do so. Furthermore, women need to accept this fact, stand by our man and/or change the behavior that caused him to go out and cheat in the first place.

Where do I begin? There's not enough "blog" in the world to tackle this topic! Loosely defined, an instinct is an inherent disposition toward a particular behavior when prompted by stimuli. If you leave the definition here, it would certainly serve to support the above statement made by the radio caller. But the truth of the matter is, there is one thing that can override instinct, which separates us from animals...INTELLECT! We have the ability to reason and use intellect to determine if we should act on our disposition.

So back to the question, "Do Men have an Instinct to Cheat?" my answer is no. Cheating, although prompted by a stimuli, is the act of deciding to throw caution to the wind and be unfaithful to your partner. There may be several reasons/excuses why a man chooses to cheat (some of them may even be debateably good ones) but the fact of the matter is, it's just down right wrong and not to mention selfish.

This goes out to all men and women: If you haven't yet met the person who makes you want to exercise intellect & self control when faced with the stimuli of someone shiny and new, then keep it moving! Handle your issues, date openly/responsibly and be honest with the people you're dating. And please, please, please...for the love of all that's green...don't get into a relationship until you're truly ready.

2007: The Year of "The Come Up!"

It's official, 2007 has rolled in and as with every year, me and my best friend Kailei have chosen yet another inspiring theme to propel us through the new year. So here it is folks.....2007 is the year of "The Come Up".

Allow me to elaborate, "The Come Up" is all about elevating yourself to a new level. Where ever you are in your career, take the next step up. Where ever you are in your romantic relationship, rise to the next level. If there is a circumstance, situation or person that's been dragging you down, use this year to escalate above it. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally this is the year for you to transcend your past woes, missteps, doubts and unproductive behaviors.

"The Come Up" is all about realizing the next level of possibilities in your life. So go out there, do you and make life happen. See you at the top....