Long Distance Relationships: Do They Work?

It must have been an optimist who said “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. To which a pessimist replied, “out of sight, out of mind”. This topic hits home for me. I’ve done the long distance thing and have several friends who have been or currently are in a LDR. Some stats: The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (Director- Dr. Gregory Guldner) reports that 1 in 10 marriages are long distance not including military marriages which are an expected but still astounding 2 out of 3. It’s harder to track dating relationships but The Center reports 1 in 7 as long distance relationships.

By nature I’m an optimist so I do believe that LDR’s can work. However, the people involved have to be very deliberate about making it work. LDR’s need constant and consistent nurturing, like a plant. You can’t leave it for dead then dump a gallon of water on it hoping for a spontaneous resurrection (shout out to George & Wheezie…my former plants…whose life with me was surely the equivalent of plant hell). Whether you’re in a committed long distance relationship, a marriage where one partner travels more than the other, or are starting to date and you live in different states, be deliberate about prioritizing each other and making whatever time you spend together, quality time. Here are a few tips and resources for those of you in LDR’s. Stay positive!

· Be Creative- Think out of the box when it comes to staying connected with your partner. Leave a sentimental card in their luggage so they find it when they unpack. Send a care package of their favorite snacks/foods.
· Communicate- Lots of ways to do this! Don’t just tell each other about your day. Watch a t.v. show together. Talk about how you’re feeling. Play the 20 questions game. Text message each other throughout the day. Invest in a webcam (shout out to K&J for this suggestion). If you suspect that you have miscomnunicated, check with your partner to see if the impact of what you said, lines up with what you intended.
· Quality Time- Get on a schedule for spending time together and try to stick to it. Make sure your time together includes not only something fun but also some down time to just “veg out” with each other.
· Resources:
The Center for Long Distance Relationships
The Complete Idiots Guide to Long Distant Relationships
Leslie Karsner, Ph.D. Author on LDR’s

Reality Series: Starring You!

Reality series…today’s guilty pleasure of choice. They’re like a train wreck that you can’t help but watch (even if it means peeking through your fingers). Lately, it seems they’ve sprung up like annoying crab grass or an itchy rash. From Real World and Flava of Love to Kimora’s Life in the Fab Lane and The Hills, it’s like one ode to voyeurism after another. Which brings me to today’s topic…self reflection.
If you were given the opportunity to star in your own reality series, what would it showcase? Would people be tuning in to cheer you on as you took the world by storm and pursued your dreams? Or would they be clutching their sides and nursing a cheek ache laughing at your numerous follies? Or maybe they would be shaking their heads with pity as they watched you spiral your life into a pit of misery? (okay, I’m being a bit dramatic). The point being, if you’re thinking right now, “thank God my life isn’t a reality show!”, then why not take this time to do a little self reflection and course correct where necessary. Ask yourself these questions:
1) Am I doing the job that I’ve always wanted to do, that utilizes my skills and taps into my true passion?
2) Is my personal life where I’d like for it to be?
3) When I pass the mirror in the morning, is my physical self pleasing to me?
4) Are my finances in order and not a source of stress in my life?
5) If someone showed up unannounced, would I be floundering to pull myself and my home together?
6) Am I generally in a positive mood more often than not?
7) Am I hanging on to some old baggage that’s weighing me down?

To All Men and Women: No one’s life is perfect but it also doesn’t have to be a complete drag. Take time to reflect on where you are in all aspects of your life. If something is off, start taking the steps to course correct. It’s never too late to pursue a new career, get in shape, forgive that person or learn a new skill. Your reality series is starring you! So be courageous, work on you and get ready for your close up!

What Men Really Want Part I: Responses from Male Readers

You asked for it ladies, so here it is. I've received several requests from women readers to answer the question, "What do Men Really Want from Women?" So I figured, why not let my male readers sound off. I asked them to respond and boy did they! Too many responses for just one post so let's consider this Part I. Some pretty interesting thoughts here. I'll reserve my opinion for now. Read, ponder, discuss. Men, sound off! Do you agree? Disagree? Let me hear from you...

-Women assume men aren't as vain as them. Tell your man he looks good and how much you want him. There are women out there who really want your man and if they compliment him once and you never do, he thinks about that...and them. -Siddiqu M.

-Your man needs to feel comfortable talking to you about anything. Once you shut him down he'll likely not open up to you again. If you don't want to hear about his crappy day... he'll find a woman who does. If you don't want to hear about his team winning the football game... he'll find a woman who does. -Anonymous

-We need to learn to "co-exist". Don't try to figure [us] out. [We] don't understand why [you] need so many pairs of shoes and a million purses. [You] shouldn't try to figure out why [we] watch an entire game and insist on watching the highlights on sportscenter. - Scott

-A man wants to feel like he has a purpose in your life, and not just any purpose a huge purpose. Ask your man advice about your career, don't just come home and gossip with him about who you don't like at work. -Siddiqu M.

-Let a man be a man. Yeah you can cut your own grass, paint, pay for your own dinner but let him do it. He knows you don't really 'need' him but make him feel like you do. -Anonymous

Relationship "Red Flags": Spot them before the Altar

The recent news about Shaq and Shaunie O’Neal got me to thinking about that hairy, discouraging number we call a divorce rate. The divorce rate continues to hover between 45-50% per capita according to the U.S. Census Bureau, with the average length of marriages between 5-7 years. With the rate being so high, it begs the question, were there any signs or “red flags”, as I like to call them, that could help couples avoid entering into marriage before they’re ready? Likewise, what are some ways you can begin to explore your relationship to determine if you’ve got some red flags looming in the background? Whether you’re single, in a relationship or in a marriage, try some of these tips to help you avoid being part of that dreaded 45-50%:

• Gut check!: If my friends got a dollar for every time they heard me say “we need to rely on our emotional intelligence more” they’d be rich (and I’d be a willing dependent!). But it’s true people! If your “gut” is telling you something isn’t right, trust it and explore it further! Our emotional intelligence is a lot more informed than we give it credit for.


• 20 Questions: Warning, this tip could easily drive your partner nuts if you handle it like the Spanish inquisition. So go easy on them. It’s important to ask questions on a variety of topics to get a sense of what areas you’re in agreement on and what topics you’re going to need to work through to get to agreement. Check out Dr. Robin Smith’s book “Lies at the Altar” pg. 159-183 for an exhaustive (and I do mean exhaustive) list of potential questions. Cosmo also featured a shorter list of good questions to ask in their July 2007 issue.


• Communicate: If something comes up as a “red flag”, don’t be afraid to communicate that to your partner. You may find that it’s easily resolved. Avoiding conversation about a “red flag” only breeds more “red flags”. So take a deep breath and go for it.


• Will the real you please stand up!: Be authentic in your relationship. It’s natural to want to put your best foot forward when starting a relationship or even when trying to maintain one. But be sure that the foot you put forward is indeed yours and not some manicured replica of someone else’s! Meaning, there shouldn’t be a gapping disconnect between your “best foot” and your “normal, slightly callused, could use a pumice stone” foot. Showcasing the real you can help avoid creating that doozy of a red flag called, dishonesty.

Music Therapy: What's Your Soundtrack?

Have you ever been driving in your car and heard a song come on the radio that made you think of that special someone? A song like, "The Truth" by India Arie. Come on... you know you have. You started smiling, singing along and having flash backs of him/her. Or maybe the song brought up a bad memory and you felt yourself getting agitated. So you quickly changed the station. Better yet, maybe it was a song you wished someone else could hear because it said everything you wanted to say but couldn’t (good or bad).
Music’s funny that way isn’t it? It has a powerful way of impacting and influencing emotions. In fact, music therapy is an actual health care discipline. For decades, music has been a well researched and empirically supported means of achieving therapeutic progress in individuals having trouble expressing emotions. So if you’re feeling like you could use an emotional tune-up, make your own soundtrack! Compile a list of songs to go with the different situations in your life, download to an ipod and strut your stuff! Here’s a sample list: (special thanks to my girl friends for the suggestions!)

-New Relationship: “Tell Me What We’re Gonna Do Now” – Joss Stone
-I’m Soooo In Love!: “The Truth” – India Arie, “You” – Jesse Powell
-I Messed Up, Take Me Back!: – “Teach Me” – Musiq, “Walked Outta Heaven” – Jagged Edge
-Back and Forth: “X-Factor” – Lauryn Hill
-#@$%!: "Hate on Me" - Jill Scott , “You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morrisette (explicit)
-Getting over him/her: “Shake it off” – Mariah Carey, “Bruised But Not Broken” Joss Stone
-Moving On: “Slowly, Surely” – Jill Scott, “Tears Dry on their Own” – Amy Winehouse

Relationship Talk Series: Fight Fair!

In relationships, everyone responds to conflict differently. The vast majority of these responses can be summed up as either fight or flight. You're either the "runaway bride" looking feverishly for an exit and a way to avoid the conflict OR you're "Muhammad Al-leena" ready to duke it out as soon as he crosses the proverbial line. In and of itself, conflict is not a bad thing. It's how you and your partner choose to handle the conflict that classifies it as healthy or unhealthy. So let's get to the "how". Conflict often gives rise to arguments. When it does, don't preoccupy yourself with "winning" the argument. If you get stuck on trying to win the argument you're more likely to implore some under handed techniques to secure your win. This will in turn bring about more conflict and escalate the argument. Remember, the goal is to resolve the conflict NOT win the argument. I titled this entry "fight fair" because the title resonates. But truthfully, you should try not to see conflict as a chance to "fight" but rather an opportunity to collaborate on a solution. So here are a few tips to ensure a good, clean, "collaboration":

• Don't rehash the Past!: As tempting as it is to bring up what he/she did 3 months ago that ended in an unresolved argument, don't do it. It's like adding fuel to the fire!


• No Below the Belt: You know his/her insecurities like the back of your hand. So don't take this as an opportunity to exploit them. Remember that when they're not driving you crazy, you do actually love this person.


• #$%#@!!: Try to keep the expletives and name calling to a minimum. Easier said than done, I know. But do you really want to work something out with someone hurling the "F-bomb" at you?? Probably not, so don't do it to them.


• Listen...REALLY listen: Try to focus first on understanding their point of view. Ask questions if you don't understand something they are trying to express. Then turn the tables and ask them to listen for understanding from you.


• Win/Win: Okay this is business talk, but it works! Both of you should focus on finding a solution to the conflict that is a "win" for the both of you. Don't stop at "compromise" because someone usually has to give something up. Go for the "win/win" instead!

Relationship Talk Series: "Where is this Relationship Going?"

Ahhhh...the dreaded relationship "talks". I often get asked, "Keesh is it too soon for me to ask him where this is going?” I tend to err on the side of caution so my first response is often, "Yes! It's too soon!" Primarily because, in relationships, women tend to know fairly quickly (sometimes too quickly) if this is someone we want to try being exclusive with. Men on the other hand, not so much. My theory is that women are more resilient when it comes to bouncing back from getting our heart broken. As such, having the "talk" and plunging into another relationship is not as scary (emphasis on "AS") to us as it tends to be to men. Generally speaking, men tend to be a bit more cautious and need more time than women to decide to commit themselves.

So when is the right time to have the "where is this relationship going" talk? My advice, don't have it any earlier than 3 months, depending on how much time you and your new found partner spend together. Use this first 3 months to really get to know each other. Would you drive a car off the lot without test driving it first? Of course not. So give yourself and your partner, ample time to test drive before making a decision to buy. Whether you end up "leasing & trading in later" or "leasing with an option to buy", you need not rush the decision up front.

To All Men and Women: If you're at the 3 month mark (or longer) and it feels right to have this "talk", here are a few tips to keep in mind as you prepare:

• No smoke signal!- Forewarning your partner about having the talk, only creates more stress. Likewise, starting your first sentence with "we need to talk..." is a double no-no.
• Timing is everything!- Its safe to say that starting a deep conversation with someone who just got off work, is stressed about something else, or is getting ready to go somewhere is not a good move. You want their undivided attention, so be thoughtful about when you choose to bring up the talk.
• No Piling On!- This means if you're in the midst of arguing about something else don't use it as an opportunity to say "and another thing...where the hell is this relationship going anyway?!" It's sure to go no where fast after that.
• Drama Free!- Do your best to have a positive attitude and approach to the talk. If you lace the talk with a lot of complaints, crying, comparisons or ultimatums, you'll put him or her on the defense.
  

PMS...Not just a woman thing!

I'm baaaaack!!!! Sorry for the hiatus folks! I promised that this blog would not be a discourse in "male bashing" and I intend to hold true to that. So for my male readers, please try not to take offense to this entry.

Lately, in conversations with friends and through my own experiences, the topic of men being moody just seems to keep coming up. It's a scientifically supported fact that the vast majority of women experience some form of PMS. But what about men? Have you ever called your guy, in a pretty good mood, ready to have a fun-loving conversation, only to be greeted by a healthy helping of attitude? Or maybe you found yourself in a crap storm of sarcasm when you tried to offer a bit of loving advice to a problem he was having. The truth of the matter is, men and women often experience cycles of mood swings throughout the month (sometimes even throughout the day!) thanks to our friend, the hormone. I recently read a book titled, The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D. In it, she shares a great deal about how hormones influence our relationships. I also learned that men experience something called "viropause" the male equivalent to "menopause". So that got me thinking, if men experience "viropause" doesn't it stand to reason that they would also experience some form of "pms"? Absolutely!! If you think estrogen is a doozy of a hormone, just read this book to find out more about all the havoc testosterone can reek on a man's mood.

To All Men and Women: Variables of all kinds, including biochemistry, influence the way in which we react and interact with our significant others. Even the most compatible couples have had to duck a mood swing every once in a while. The best thing you can do when you find yourself in the throws of your partners mood swing, is to not let it trigger you. Do your best not to let their negative mood hijack your positive mood. Things like tone of voice and affection go a long way when trying to soften someones mood. Give it a try next time your woman.... OR man is experiencing "PMS"!

Baggage...Get it Down to Carry-on Size!

When it comes to relationships, I always say that no one can single-handedly sink a relationship and conversely, no one can single-handedly make it succeed. Yet, when relationships go awry, the first thing some people tend to do is ask themselves, "what did I do wrong?" So if this is any consolation, let me start by saying, it wasn't all YOUR fault. Nine times out of ten it was the result of a collision of baggage!

We all show up to our relationships with baggage. Baggage is basically the sum total and by-product of all the experiences we've had in our lives. The challenge of the relationship is to navigate through that baggage and form a loving, committed, mutually respectful, supportive and compatible bond. So the question is, how much baggage do you have and how is it impacting your ability to form healthy relationships? Think about it for a second...are you bringing your over sized skis, extra heavy suitcase with the duct tape on it and the clothes spilling out the sides? Or maybe you have so much that you showed up to the relationship with a Uhaul truck and some movers?!

To All Men and Women, my philosophy is this, get your baggage down to carry on size! If the issues you're bringing into your relationship can't figuratively fit underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin, then you have some introspection to do. A little baggage is normal, but more than that spells trouble. So before you get into your next relationship, do a little unpacking....

(look for upcoming tips on how to "unpack" your baggage)

Shortage of Good Black Men: Epidemic or Farce?

Let me start by saying that the impetus for this article is very positive. What I mean by that is, for anything to be considered a shortage it has to first be "in demand". I think it's very positive that "Good Black Men" are in demand.

The other day, my best friend Kailei forwarded me a link to a YouTube clip about the reported shortage of Black Men. It was quite thought provoking as it addressed and disputed all of the usual reported numbers of Black Men in jail, gay or not educated. It took a stand and asked viewers not to believe all of the alleged statistics about Black Men. I even felt a goose bump or two as the narrator ended by basically saying that there are indeed good Black Men out there, so don't believe everything you read. I was ready to say "You go boy!" when it hit me.....I can count on all 10 fingers and toes the numbers of intelligent, accomplished, attractive, not crazy young Black women who are single and wishing they weren't. On the other side of the coin, I can name quite a few Good Black Men who insist they can't find a good Black Woman. How can this be? How can two groups of people who are looking for each other, be so "lost in the sauce" trying to find each other?

In speaking with my girlfriends, guy friends and even my counseling patients, it became abundantly clear that "good" Black Men meant many different things depending on who I was speaking with. Some defined "good" by level of education, looks, income, humor, chemistry, maturity, or some combination thereof. Others rattled off lists of criteria from here to kingdom come describing what "good" meant to them. The truth is, the longer your list is the smaller your pool to pick from.

To all Men and Women, here's my advice: It's okay to have preferences, but for your own sake, narrow it down to a few "deal-breakers" and let the rest be icing on the cake. If you have a laundry list of criteria you may in effect be sabotaging yourself (I'd need a virtual couch to address this topic!)

So is there a shortage of "Good Black Men"?....Well, I guess it all depends on how you define "Good".

Do Men have an Instinct to Cheat?

I was listening to the radio on my way to work this morning when I caught an hour segment dedicated to relationships. The on-air personality asked listeners to call in and talk about why relationships don't seem to be working out these days. So a male listener called in and after hearing what he had to say I was ready to call the station myself! Basically what he said is that the reason relationships are not "working out" these days is because women don't know how to stand by their man after their man has cheated. He went on to say that men have been this way for years and will continue to cheat because it's a man's instinct to do so. Furthermore, women need to accept this fact, stand by our man and/or change the behavior that caused him to go out and cheat in the first place.

Where do I begin? There's not enough "blog" in the world to tackle this topic! Loosely defined, an instinct is an inherent disposition toward a particular behavior when prompted by stimuli. If you leave the definition here, it would certainly serve to support the above statement made by the radio caller. But the truth of the matter is, there is one thing that can override instinct, which separates us from animals...INTELLECT! We have the ability to reason and use intellect to determine if we should act on our disposition.

So back to the question, "Do Men have an Instinct to Cheat?" my answer is no. Cheating, although prompted by a stimuli, is the act of deciding to throw caution to the wind and be unfaithful to your partner. There may be several reasons/excuses why a man chooses to cheat (some of them may even be debateably good ones) but the fact of the matter is, it's just down right wrong and not to mention selfish.

This goes out to all men and women: If you haven't yet met the person who makes you want to exercise intellect & self control when faced with the stimuli of someone shiny and new, then keep it moving! Handle your issues, date openly/responsibly and be honest with the people you're dating. And please, please, please...for the love of all that's green...don't get into a relationship until you're truly ready.

2007: The Year of "The Come Up!"

It's official, 2007 has rolled in and as with every year, me and my best friend Kailei have chosen yet another inspiring theme to propel us through the new year. So here it is folks.....2007 is the year of "The Come Up".

Allow me to elaborate, "The Come Up" is all about elevating yourself to a new level. Where ever you are in your career, take the next step up. Where ever you are in your romantic relationship, rise to the next level. If there is a circumstance, situation or person that's been dragging you down, use this year to escalate above it. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally this is the year for you to transcend your past woes, missteps, doubts and unproductive behaviors.

"The Come Up" is all about realizing the next level of possibilities in your life. So go out there, do you and make life happen. See you at the top....