Relationship Talk Series: Express Yourself

Although it’s never been scientifically supported, the going theory is that women use twice as many words per day as men. Yet with all these words flying around, people often struggle to find the right one’s to express themselves in their relationship. And when you add in the often inevitable emotional misinterpretation, what you get resembles that of a “who’s on first” meets vaudeville mash up. It often goes like this:

Girl – “Babe, the other day when you said blah blah, what did you mean by that?”
Boy – “I didn’t mean anything”
Girl – “Well, it’s just that, when you say things like that it makes me think you don’t blah blah”
Boy – “....siggghhh...”
Girl – “What was that about?”
Boy – “I didn’t even say anything!”
Girl – “I know but you sighed!”
Boy – “So I can’t sigh now?”
Girl - “Ugggh!! This is exactly what I’m talking about!”

If you are now convinced that I have somehow taped your phone conversations, fear not. Ineffective communication is a common reality in relationships and is often cited as a prevailing catalyst to divorce. That being said, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. But you should definitely get a handle on it before it completely hijacks your relationship. Start by being direct and saying exactly what you mean. Beating around the bush only makes you and your partner dizzy and frustrated. Be careful not to let “emotional red-herrings” like sighing take your conversation off course. And if your partner is just not getting it or you feel like you’re speaking at the verbal equivalent of an eighth grader, just stop and try again at a later time when perhaps the emotions of the situation aren’t so high. And if all else fails…listen.

What Men Really Want Part I: Responses from Male Readers

You asked for it ladies, so here it is. I've received several requests from women readers to answer the question, "What do Men Really Want from Women?" So I figured, why not let my male readers sound off. I asked them to respond and boy did they! Too many responses for just one post so let's consider this Part I. Some pretty interesting thoughts here. I'll reserve my opinion for now. Read, ponder, discuss. Men, sound off! Do you agree? Disagree? Let me hear from you...

-Women assume men aren't as vain as them. Tell your man he looks good and how much you want him. There are women out there who really want your man and if they compliment him once and you never do, he thinks about that...and them. -Siddiqu M.

-Your man needs to feel comfortable talking to you about anything. Once you shut him down he'll likely not open up to you again. If you don't want to hear about his crappy day... he'll find a woman who does. If you don't want to hear about his team winning the football game... he'll find a woman who does. -Anonymous

-We need to learn to "co-exist". Don't try to figure [us] out. [We] don't understand why [you] need so many pairs of shoes and a million purses. [You] shouldn't try to figure out why [we] watch an entire game and insist on watching the highlights on sportscenter. - Scott

-A man wants to feel like he has a purpose in your life, and not just any purpose a huge purpose. Ask your man advice about your career, don't just come home and gossip with him about who you don't like at work. -Siddiqu M.

-Let a man be a man. Yeah you can cut your own grass, paint, pay for your own dinner but let him do it. He knows you don't really 'need' him but make him feel like you do. -Anonymous

Relationship Talk Series: "Where is this Relationship Going?"

Ahhhh...the dreaded relationship "talks". I often get asked, "Keesh is it too soon for me to ask him where this is going?” I tend to err on the side of caution so my first response is often, "Yes! It's too soon!" Primarily because, in relationships, women tend to know fairly quickly (sometimes too quickly) if this is someone we want to try being exclusive with. Men on the other hand, not so much. My theory is that women are more resilient when it comes to bouncing back from getting our heart broken. As such, having the "talk" and plunging into another relationship is not as scary (emphasis on "AS") to us as it tends to be to men. Generally speaking, men tend to be a bit more cautious and need more time than women to decide to commit themselves.

So when is the right time to have the "where is this relationship going" talk? My advice, don't have it any earlier than 3 months, depending on how much time you and your new found partner spend together. Use this first 3 months to really get to know each other. Would you drive a car off the lot without test driving it first? Of course not. So give yourself and your partner, ample time to test drive before making a decision to buy. Whether you end up "leasing & trading in later" or "leasing with an option to buy", you need not rush the decision up front.

To All Men and Women: If you're at the 3 month mark (or longer) and it feels right to have this "talk", here are a few tips to keep in mind as you prepare:

• No smoke signal!- Forewarning your partner about having the talk, only creates more stress. Likewise, starting your first sentence with "we need to talk..." is a double no-no.
• Timing is everything!- Its safe to say that starting a deep conversation with someone who just got off work, is stressed about something else, or is getting ready to go somewhere is not a good move. You want their undivided attention, so be thoughtful about when you choose to bring up the talk.
• No Piling On!- This means if you're in the midst of arguing about something else don't use it as an opportunity to say "and another thing...where the hell is this relationship going anyway?!" It's sure to go no where fast after that.
• Drama Free!- Do your best to have a positive attitude and approach to the talk. If you lace the talk with a lot of complaints, crying, comparisons or ultimatums, you'll put him or her on the defense.