Music Therapy: What's Your Soundtrack?

Have you ever been driving in your car and heard a song come on the radio that made you think of that special someone? A song like, "The Truth" by India Arie. Come on... you know you have. You started smiling, singing along and having flash backs of him/her. Or maybe the song brought up a bad memory and you felt yourself getting agitated. So you quickly changed the station. Better yet, maybe it was a song you wished someone else could hear because it said everything you wanted to say but couldn’t (good or bad).
Music’s funny that way isn’t it? It has a powerful way of impacting and influencing emotions. In fact, music therapy is an actual health care discipline. For decades, music has been a well researched and empirically supported means of achieving therapeutic progress in individuals having trouble expressing emotions. So if you’re feeling like you could use an emotional tune-up, make your own soundtrack! Compile a list of songs to go with the different situations in your life, download to an ipod and strut your stuff! Here’s a sample list: (special thanks to my girl friends for the suggestions!)

-New Relationship: “Tell Me What We’re Gonna Do Now” – Joss Stone
-I’m Soooo In Love!: “The Truth” – India Arie, “You” – Jesse Powell
-I Messed Up, Take Me Back!: – “Teach Me” – Musiq, “Walked Outta Heaven” – Jagged Edge
-Back and Forth: “X-Factor” – Lauryn Hill
-#@$%!: "Hate on Me" - Jill Scott , “You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morrisette (explicit)
-Getting over him/her: “Shake it off” – Mariah Carey, “Bruised But Not Broken” Joss Stone
-Moving On: “Slowly, Surely” – Jill Scott, “Tears Dry on their Own” – Amy Winehouse

Relationship Talk Series: Fight Fair!

In relationships, everyone responds to conflict differently. The vast majority of these responses can be summed up as either fight or flight. You're either the "runaway bride" looking feverishly for an exit and a way to avoid the conflict OR you're "Muhammad Al-leena" ready to duke it out as soon as he crosses the proverbial line. In and of itself, conflict is not a bad thing. It's how you and your partner choose to handle the conflict that classifies it as healthy or unhealthy. So let's get to the "how". Conflict often gives rise to arguments. When it does, don't preoccupy yourself with "winning" the argument. If you get stuck on trying to win the argument you're more likely to implore some under handed techniques to secure your win. This will in turn bring about more conflict and escalate the argument. Remember, the goal is to resolve the conflict NOT win the argument. I titled this entry "fight fair" because the title resonates. But truthfully, you should try not to see conflict as a chance to "fight" but rather an opportunity to collaborate on a solution. So here are a few tips to ensure a good, clean, "collaboration":

• Don't rehash the Past!: As tempting as it is to bring up what he/she did 3 months ago that ended in an unresolved argument, don't do it. It's like adding fuel to the fire!


• No Below the Belt: You know his/her insecurities like the back of your hand. So don't take this as an opportunity to exploit them. Remember that when they're not driving you crazy, you do actually love this person.


• #$%#@!!: Try to keep the expletives and name calling to a minimum. Easier said than done, I know. But do you really want to work something out with someone hurling the "F-bomb" at you?? Probably not, so don't do it to them.


• Listen...REALLY listen: Try to focus first on understanding their point of view. Ask questions if you don't understand something they are trying to express. Then turn the tables and ask them to listen for understanding from you.


• Win/Win: Okay this is business talk, but it works! Both of you should focus on finding a solution to the conflict that is a "win" for the both of you. Don't stop at "compromise" because someone usually has to give something up. Go for the "win/win" instead!

Relationship Talk Series: "Where is this Relationship Going?"

Ahhhh...the dreaded relationship "talks". I often get asked, "Keesh is it too soon for me to ask him where this is going?” I tend to err on the side of caution so my first response is often, "Yes! It's too soon!" Primarily because, in relationships, women tend to know fairly quickly (sometimes too quickly) if this is someone we want to try being exclusive with. Men on the other hand, not so much. My theory is that women are more resilient when it comes to bouncing back from getting our heart broken. As such, having the "talk" and plunging into another relationship is not as scary (emphasis on "AS") to us as it tends to be to men. Generally speaking, men tend to be a bit more cautious and need more time than women to decide to commit themselves.

So when is the right time to have the "where is this relationship going" talk? My advice, don't have it any earlier than 3 months, depending on how much time you and your new found partner spend together. Use this first 3 months to really get to know each other. Would you drive a car off the lot without test driving it first? Of course not. So give yourself and your partner, ample time to test drive before making a decision to buy. Whether you end up "leasing & trading in later" or "leasing with an option to buy", you need not rush the decision up front.

To All Men and Women: If you're at the 3 month mark (or longer) and it feels right to have this "talk", here are a few tips to keep in mind as you prepare:

• No smoke signal!- Forewarning your partner about having the talk, only creates more stress. Likewise, starting your first sentence with "we need to talk..." is a double no-no.
• Timing is everything!- Its safe to say that starting a deep conversation with someone who just got off work, is stressed about something else, or is getting ready to go somewhere is not a good move. You want their undivided attention, so be thoughtful about when you choose to bring up the talk.
• No Piling On!- This means if you're in the midst of arguing about something else don't use it as an opportunity to say "and another thing...where the hell is this relationship going anyway?!" It's sure to go no where fast after that.
• Drama Free!- Do your best to have a positive attitude and approach to the talk. If you lace the talk with a lot of complaints, crying, comparisons or ultimatums, you'll put him or her on the defense.
  

PMS...Not just a woman thing!

I'm baaaaack!!!! Sorry for the hiatus folks! I promised that this blog would not be a discourse in "male bashing" and I intend to hold true to that. So for my male readers, please try not to take offense to this entry.

Lately, in conversations with friends and through my own experiences, the topic of men being moody just seems to keep coming up. It's a scientifically supported fact that the vast majority of women experience some form of PMS. But what about men? Have you ever called your guy, in a pretty good mood, ready to have a fun-loving conversation, only to be greeted by a healthy helping of attitude? Or maybe you found yourself in a crap storm of sarcasm when you tried to offer a bit of loving advice to a problem he was having. The truth of the matter is, men and women often experience cycles of mood swings throughout the month (sometimes even throughout the day!) thanks to our friend, the hormone. I recently read a book titled, The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D. In it, she shares a great deal about how hormones influence our relationships. I also learned that men experience something called "viropause" the male equivalent to "menopause". So that got me thinking, if men experience "viropause" doesn't it stand to reason that they would also experience some form of "pms"? Absolutely!! If you think estrogen is a doozy of a hormone, just read this book to find out more about all the havoc testosterone can reek on a man's mood.

To All Men and Women: Variables of all kinds, including biochemistry, influence the way in which we react and interact with our significant others. Even the most compatible couples have had to duck a mood swing every once in a while. The best thing you can do when you find yourself in the throws of your partners mood swing, is to not let it trigger you. Do your best not to let their negative mood hijack your positive mood. Things like tone of voice and affection go a long way when trying to soften someones mood. Give it a try next time your woman.... OR man is experiencing "PMS"!