Psychologically Speaking

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage": #8 - #10

2009-01-18T15:50:00.009-06:00

Tip #8 – Whittle Down Your Pet Peeves!
Sometimes baggage manifests itself in the form of the demands we place on others. You know those seemingly innocent, perfectly justifiable little demands we call “pet peeves”? Sure they start out as small quirks but if your list makes it impossible for others to do right by you, ask yourself if you can let a few of them go. Having an unrealistically long list of demands that people have to live up to in order to satisfy your needs is a sign that you should ask yourself a few questions: 1) What am I trying to control? 2) Why am I trying to control it? 3) What can I do to begin to let it go?

Tip #9 – Choose Your ‘tude!
Attitude is the fundamental source from which all things spring, good or bad. This Comcast commercial, is a funny representation of how contagious a bad attitude can be. Think of your attitude as your reflection to the world. Often times the intensity of the “emotional/psychological” baggage you carry around can dictate the attitude you choose to display. Try choosing a positive/optimistic attitude; despite how your “baggage” makes you feel. I’m a firm believer in the power and impact that thoughts and spoken words can have on your circumstances. The more you speak positivity into your life, the more you’ll feel it throughout your life.

Tip #10 – Get a Shrink!
You knew it was coming people. I couldn’t end this series without recommending therapy. If you find that you are frequently experiencing “emotional melt downs”, to the point where you are unable to continue with your normal activities of the day, then it may be time to speak to a professional. Don’t think about the stigma and don’t be discouraged by the “non-believers” of therapy. But, do remember that therapy is work. It requires you to explore areas of your life in emotionally meaningful ways. You have to show up on time, you have to be honest, you have to stick it out and you have to be willing to “go there” (so to speak). If you decide you need the help of a professional therapist, keep in mind that your therapist should have the same type of “bed side” manner that you would expect from your doctor. Be willing to try a few out until you find the one with the right style for you.

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tips #6 & #7

2008-12-29T20:01:00.008-06:00

Tip #6: Forgive...and maybe even Forget

Forgiveness...I know, I know, this is way easier said than done. I too have had times in the past where I dug my heels in and refused to let go of a grudge. Whether it is a simple issue or a big issue, the energy it takes to keep your heels dug in on a grudge is draining and takes up mental "baggage" space in your life. Forgiving does not mean that everything goes back to normal with who ever the person was that you had the issue with. It just means that you're resolving to mentally "put a period" to the issue and start a new sentence. You may not forget and you may not go back to clinking cocoa mugs with this person again, but you can let go of the negative feelings you have towards them. Negative feelings and emotions towards others is unnecessary baggage to carry around. Leave it curbside people.

Tip #7: Help Yourself...to a Self-Help Book!

If you find yourself repeatedly "unpacking" and "repacking" the same mental/emotional "baggage", then perhaps you may need some reinforcement. Self-help books are a good resource when you need a cognitive process to help you out of your rut or perhaps a better understanding of the rut you are in. There are tons, and I do mean tons, of them out there. So I took the liberty of finding a few sites that have organized the books by typical issues. I also listed below a few other resources that you may find useful. Read your way to a better you!

*Books Organized by Common "issues" - Scroll to the bottom of the page

*The Artists Way - This is a "new-agey" type book about rediscovering your creative self

*Best Selling Self-Help Books - Gives a brief overview of each book

*A New Earth - A challenging & insightful read about how to recognize and let go of your "ego"

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #5

2008-12-28T20:04:00.008-06:00

Addendum to Tip#4:

Brunch today with a very good girlfriend of mine reminded me of another category that you can add to the list, FINANCES! Given the current economy, it's definitely a good idea to rate this area of your life.

Tip #5: Pick up the Needle and Stop the Tape!

One of the easiest forms of "baggage" to recognize is the music playing in our head. The old "records and tapes" of negative self-talk that often makes it's way into our thoughts and speech in the form of "not so nice" opinions slung at you in the past by your parents, a former lover, or even that "jungle gym" bully from the 5th grade. Let today be the day that you pick up the needle and stop the tape on all the negative self-talk that you have been replaying in your head or have let seep into your conversation. You know...when someone compliments you and instead of saying "thank you", you launch into a "one man/woman roast" of yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but it's not impossible. Start by trying to spend a few hours a day not saying anything bad about you. Gradually increase the time until you have experienced a full day of not talking down to yourself. Practice makes progress people!

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #4

2008-12-26T14:31:00.009-06:00

Tip #4: Rate Your Life!

Okay this tip is a fun one. Even you skeptics out there should find this to be a useful and practical tool. So here's what you do:

1. Create a chart with five columns across and six rows down.
2. In the first column, type the following categories, from top to bottom. One word per cell: Friends, Family, Love, Career, Spirituality, Health/Wellness
3. Using the four remaining columns, working from left to right, do the following:
-Rate it! Rate the category on a scale of 1-10 (10 being "everything in this area of my life is fabulous!")
-What’s Great! Type in what's great about that area of your life
-Get to 10! Type in what needs to change to make it a 10 (if it's not already a 10)
-Action Plan! Type in your action steps for getting that area to a 10.

4. Last but not least, work your action plan. Check in with it periodically to see how you're progressing. Try to do something each week towards your plan.

10 Tips for Unpacking your "Baggage" - Tip #3

2008-12-25T14:20:00.004-06:00

Tip #3: Get an Advocate!

Now that you have all of this feedback and insight on yourself, it's important to stay aware of the unproductive behaviors you want to change. One way to do this is by getting an advocate. Your advocate is basically someone who you trust (usually a best friend), who knows you and cares enough about you to tell you when you're "happening" again. They are the person you authorize in your life to be "straight up" with you when they observe you exhibiting the behaviors you're working to change or when you solicit their opinion. We're all works in progress so it's very likely that you will "happen" more often than not, but don't get discouraged. Your baggage didn't build up over night so don't expect to be able to unpack it in one night either. With the help of your advocate you'll find yourself getting more aware of your unproductive behaviors and better able to manage them.

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #2

2008-12-23T21:16:00.006-06:00

Addendum to Tip #1:
A few things to keep in mind...

Don't call a former boyfriend/girlfriend for feedback that you're not still on speaking terms with...trust me, it's not a good look.
You can also ask your friends for feedback but remember; no retaliation! Just listen.
Two questions you can ask when you call/see the person: 1) What was/is cool about dating me/being with me? and 2) What was/is challenging about dating me/being with me?

Tip #2: Own it!
Sometimes hearing feedback on ourselves, whether from a friend, a boss, co-worker or current/former significant other, can be difficult. Keep in mind that feedback is a collection of perceptions. At times it can be spot on and other times it can be way the heck in left field. Use your gut to evaluate whether or not a specific piece of feedback feels relevant. If it doesn’t feel relevant, leave it. Don’t let your “negative self talk” convince you otherwise. But if it does feel relevant (e.g. you’ve heard it more than once from a variety of people!) and it’s something you want to change, then OWN IT! Owning it is about being honest with yourself regarding other people’s experience of you. Once you own up to it, you will find yourself more aware of that behavior and better able to modify it accordingly.

10 Tips for Unpacking Your "Baggage" - Tip #1

2008-12-21T22:54:00.007-06:00

Ahhh the holidays...the time of year when you're visiting with loved ones, stressing about the fact that the year is almost over and you didn't do what you said you were going to do, eating like you have a tapeworm and of course (for some of you single peeps) wishing you had a special someone. Last year I wrote a post on getting your Baggage Down to Carry-On Size. Several of you asked me to provide some tips on how to do it. So with ten days left in 2008, I figured I'd give you my 10 Tips for Unpacking Your Baggage before 2009 rolls in. Hey, you could spend your holidays eating fruit cake or working on building a better you. I vote for the latter. I'll write about one tip per day so make sure you check back!

Tip #1: Get Feedback
One thing we don't often do is ask the people we have been in a relationship with for feedback. Your significant other, past or present, gets to see you in a light that others may not ever see. So if you're serious about unpacking your baggage and being a "better" you, then what better place to start than with some good ol' honest feedback. Caution, when you ask for the feedback, be prepared that it might sting. Your job in that moment is simply to understand where they are coming from. There will be time to evaluate the information later. For now, just listen and ask questions for clarification. If you're single, try to get feedback from at least three people you have dated. If you're in a relationship, try to get as much honest feedback from your partner as possible. We'll talk about what to do with this feedback in my next tip.

Cheating Men on Oprah

2008-09-13T11:57:00.006-05:00

After rushing home from work, getting in a pitiful little 30 minute workout, talking on the phone with my mother and then high-tailing it over to a fellow therapist’s house, we settled in to watch Oprah tell us “why men cheat?” The show featured licensed mental health counselor, M. Gary Neuman along with several couples brave enough to publicly share their struggles with infidelity. I have to say…I didn’t hear anything earth shatteringly new. It basically just confirmed that the reason why men cheat…is the same reason why women cheat. Although, I did get a good belly laugh out of Gary’s suggestion to lo-jack your man or take him for a lie detector test if you suspect he’s cheating. I find it hard to believe that any man who is cheating would agree to take a lie detector test. From my perspective, women ARE lie detector tests! Our “women’s intuition” is all the test we need. Just be sure it’s coming from a place of “gut instinct and substantial proof” and not “neurotic insecurity”. I’ve had clients and friends ask me if it’s okay for them to go through their man’s stuff or tap their phone. My answer is always the same. If you even feel compelled to play Inspector Clouseau, that’s your intuition telling you that he’s cheating. The problem is that women often want the confession so despite the flashing neon sign above his head that says cheater, we want to hear it from his mouth. So we spend a lot of time and energy trying to create a “gotcha!” moment when that energy is best spent confronting your man. Gary’s book is about prevention and helping women see the signs and create an environment that a man would not want to stray from. But the reality is that it takes two to cheat. The man is not the only one being fulfilled in an affair. So the question then becomes, are we all so eager to fulfill our own needs that we’re willing to violate the boundaries of others' relationships? The best way to combat the cheating man, is for women to take a stand and say, I will not involve myself with any man currently in a relationship. Can you imagine if we all took that stand? Where would the cheating man go? My guess is…back home. And once he’s there…feel free to implement Gary’s tips.

Relationship Talk Series: Express Yourself

2008-08-30T21:01:00.003-05:00

Although it’s never been scientifically supported, the going theory is that women use twice as many words per day as men. Yet with all these words flying around, people often struggle to find the right one’s to express themselves in their relationship. And when you add in the often inevitable emotional misinterpretation, what you get resembles that of a “who’s on first” meets vaudeville mash up. It often goes like this:

Girl – “Babe, the other day when you said blah blah, what did you mean by that?”
Boy – “I didn’t mean anything”
Girl – “Well, it’s just that, when you say things like that it makes me think you don’t blah blah”
Boy – “....siggghhh...”
Girl – “What was that about?”
Boy – “I didn’t even say anything!”
Girl – “I know but you sighed!”
Boy – “So I can’t sigh now?”
Girl - “Ugggh!! This is exactly what I’m talking about!”

If you are now convinced that I have somehow taped your phone conversations, fear not. Ineffective communication is a common reality in relationships and is often cited as a prevailing catalyst to divorce. That being said, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. But you should definitely get a handle on it before it completely hijacks your relationship. Start by being direct and saying exactly what you mean. Beating around the bush only makes you and your partner dizzy and frustrated. Be careful not to let “emotional red-herrings” like sighing take your conversation off course. And if your partner is just not getting it or you feel like you’re speaking at the verbal equivalent of an eighth grader, just stop and try again at a later time when perhaps the emotions of the situation aren’t so high. And if all else fails…listen.

The 25-35 Box: Keep Your “Two Cents”

2008-08-20T06:10:00.000-05:00

It seems like forever ago when I was first eligible to check the 25-35 age box. I remember thinking I don’t feel any different now that I’m “older”. But lately, I’ve been in reflection mode and came to the realization that several elements about life have changed, when I wasn’t looking. One in particular is the practice of giving out your two cents to your friends. Once upon a time, giving your two cents to your friends about their love life and daily decisions was expected if not solicited. A day out with the girls (or guys) seemed to always be peppered with ER style triage sessions of “advice giving” and “judgment slinging” followed by a chorus of whatever the latest “girl you don’t need him” song was. What’s funny is that those sessions seemed to always eventually end with the “patient” doing the exact opposite of the advice they were given. It’s as if the morphine high of confidence wore off leaving the friend to follow their own heart/mind. That brings me back to the 25-35 age box. It seems that at this age, we’ve finally grown exhausted from resuscitating the same issues with our friends. Not only have we grown exhausted…we’ve grown up. So does growing up mean we no longer care to triage our friends through their issues? I’d say no. It just means we should find ourselves being more supportive and less judgmental. My motto these days is, “you like it...I love it!” Feel free to use it.

Pop Topics…A break from my norm

2008-07-12T23:27:00.005-05:00

Jesse Jackson: Hi Hater!

Carl Jung, or even Sigmund Freud for that matter would be having a field day with the gross display of untamed ego that Jesse Jackson let loose from his mouth this week about Barack Obama. I had to watch the footage twice on you tube to make sure I heard him correctly. Surely this established, civil rights activist and semi-pied piper of issues facing the urban less fortunate did not just say he wanted to cut the n**$% off of the eventual democratic nominee for president? On the “deplorable statements made in the press” scale, this clearly ranks up there with the belligerent remarks of Imus. Primarily because it’s an illustration of the proverbial crabs in a barrel scenario that all too often rears its clichéd head in the black community. At the end of the day, Jesse’s comments are a reflection of his own unhealthy ego and insecurity seeking to heal itself through the degradation of another. Sad considering the fact that he was speaking about the very someone who personifies all that Jesse’s activism career has been striving to realize. I always say, words are the one thing that no matter how much you apologize for them, you just can’t take them back. So, watch what you say folks.

The Balancing Act

2008-06-18T10:57:00.001-05:00

It only took a sugary rimmed glass of something too sweet for my teeth, followed by a few swigs of “three buck Chuck” (fantastic, cheap wine from Trader Joe’s) to make me question my perspective on love and relationships. I was lounging with a few girl friends of mine, one of whom is a fellow therapist, when a question about relationships came up. Specifically, the question up for debate was, is there ever a balance of love in a relationship? My initial response was “Yes! Of course! Balance is the mark of a healthy relationship!” To which my girlfriends replied that someone “always loves the other more or is doing more at varying points throughout the relationship”. Although the measure of how much you love someone is relative, their statement did get me thinking about whether balance was necessary for a relationship to be healthy. I can easily name countless relationships fueled by the torturous ‘cat and mouse’ game. Not to mention several marriages thriving on the ebb and flow of their love. Turn on the radio and everyone is singing about some push-pull love affair. Is balance an achievable goal in a relationship or will the bell curve always be skewed towards one person or the other? So here’s what I’m thinking. Don’t measure the balance of a relationship by moments in time, measure it by the long haul. When one person’s side of the scale is low on rocks, help fill them up. When your side is low on rocks they’ll help you fill up. It’s not about who gives more at a point in time but rather, over the long haul, are we both contributing all that we are capable of to keep the scales of the relationship in balance. I’ll drink to that…

Sex and the City: An Ode to Reality, At Last!

2008-06-01T20:45:00.002-05:00

The movie palette of women eighteen and over finally got quenched with the nationwide release of the highly anticipated Sex and the City movie premiere. And what a premiere it was! I don’t know if it was the scores of Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda look-a-likes sitting in the seats or the frenetic excited chatter during the previews but I found myself feeling a bit nervous. I’m a big fan of the show and really wanted it to live up to all the hype. And boy did it ever! For all the obvious reasons of course (i.e. cast, clothing, storyline) but more importantly for the statement it made about relationships. It was an honest testament to the reality of love. It demonstrated that love, in all its beauty, romance, fantasy and fairytale is impeccably complex and flawed. Between Charlotte’s failed search for perfection ending unexpectedly with Harry, Miranda’s cynicism dissolving in the face of marital vows and of course Carrie and Bigs’ seemingly endless emotional tennis match, Michael Patrick King did the impossible…he brought reality to the fairytale. He showed that even though the journey is not always free of drama it doesn’t mean you can’t have your own happy ending. How’s that for hope? Bravo Sex and the City….Simply Fabulous!

The New Year's Rut: Get In the Race!

2008-02-09T08:53:00.000-06:00

2008 rang in with a bang! You read my “Year of the Arrival” post, you recommitted yourself to your list of resolutions, and overall you just felt that this year is going to be a better year for you. Next thing you knew, you looked up and it’s February and you’re still at the starting blocks watching everyone else run the race. Here are a few quick tips to get you going if you’re stuck in the New Year’s Rut:

Creative Visualization – This is a short, easy read by author, Shakti Gawain. It basically talks you through the power of day dreaming. It provides simple strategies to realize the results you want in your life by visualizing them. Seriously, it works…

Feng Shui- The art of feng shui is truly amazing. Simply put, it’s about the placement and presentation of objects in your space (i.e. home, office, etc.) for the purpose of maximizing the flow of chi or positive energy in your life. I recommend Feng Shui for the Soul by Denise Linn.

Physical Activity- Really any physical activity will do. I prefer taking a dance class or some sort of sport. The point is to create momentum in your life by getting your body moving.

Check out a Friend- Go visit a friend of yours who “has it together”. Hang out in their space with them. Sometimes just seeing someone else “making moves” is enough to get you energized again. Let them inspire you to be your best self.

Break it Down- If you have a myriad of things on your plate, don’t try to tackle the whole pile. Categorize the things you have to do and then begin to tackle your list one category at a time.

2008: The Year of the Arrival!!!

2008-01-01T19:30:00.000-06:00

Faithful readers of this blog know that each year my best friend Kailei and I declare an inspirational theme to guide us and our friends throughout the year. Quick recap…2005 was the year of Execution. 2006 was the year of the Breakthrough. 2007 was the year of the Come Up and now 2008 is the year of the Arrival!
With each year and each passing theme we’ve been readying ourselves as individuals to make our mark. If you check out the word “arrive” in a thesaurus, it’s described as reaching your destination, being delivered and to succeed. Claim 2008 as the Arrival of the new and improved you! The “you” that’s reaching the destination of your dreams, that’s being spiritually delivered and succeeding in life. Let this be the year that the power of positive thinking brings the Arrival of whatever you’ve been praying for, dreaming about or trying to change in yourself and your life. Affirm it to yourself in this moment! Any failed attempts from the past to reinvent yourself are null and void. All that matters is now. Get your mind into it, get your spirit into it and get your body into it! Commit to letting go of past bad habits, procrastination, negative thinking, poor decision making or anything that kept you from being your best self and achieving your goals. Diana Ross said it best, “I’m coming out! I want the world to know! Gotta let it show!” So get ready for your close up. It’s 2008…the Arrival of YOU!!

Long Distance Relationships: Do They Work?

2007-11-08T06:38:00.000-06:00

It must have been an optimist who said “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. To which a pessimist replied, “out of sight, out of mind”. This topic hits home for me. I’ve done the long distance thing and have several friends who have been or currently are in a LDR. Some stats: The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (Director- Dr. Gregory Guldner) reports that 1 in 10 marriages are long distance not including military marriages which are an expected but still astounding 2 out of 3. It’s harder to track dating relationships but The Center reports 1 in 7 as long distance relationships.

By nature I’m an optimist so I do believe that LDR’s can work. However, the people involved have to be very deliberate about making it work. LDR’s need constant and consistent nurturing, like a plant. You can’t leave it for dead then dump a gallon of water on it hoping for a spontaneous resurrection (shout out to George & Wheezie…my former plants…whose life with me was surely the equivalent of plant hell). Whether you’re in a committed long distance relationship, a marriage where one partner travels more than the other, or are starting to date and you live in different states, be deliberate about prioritizing each other and making whatever time you spend together, quality time. Here are a few tips and resources for those of you in LDR’s. Stay positive!

· Be Creative- Think out of the box when it comes to staying connected with your partner. Leave a sentimental card in their luggage so they find it when they unpack. Send a care package of their favorite snacks/foods.
· Communicate- Lots of ways to do this! Don’t just tell each other about your day. Watch a t.v. show together. Talk about how you’re feeling. Play the 20 questions game. Text message each other throughout the day. Invest in a webcam (shout out to K&J for this suggestion). If you suspect that you have miscomnunicated, check with your partner to see if the impact of what you said, lines up with what you intended.
· Quality Time- Get on a schedule for spending time together and try to stick to it. Make sure your time together includes not only something fun but also some down time to just “veg out” with each other.
· Resources:
The Center for Long Distance Relationships
The Complete Idiots Guide to Long Distant Relationships
Leslie Karsner, Ph.D. Author on LDR’s

Reality Series: Starring You!

2007-10-14T17:43:00.000-05:00

Reality series…today’s guilty pleasure of choice. They’re like a train wreck that you can’t help but watch (even if it means peeking through your fingers). Lately, it seems they’ve sprung up like annoying crab grass or an itchy rash. From Real World and Flava of Love to Kimora’s Life in the Fab Lane and The Hills, it’s like one ode to voyeurism after another. Which brings me to today’s topic…self reflection.
If you were given the opportunity to star in your own reality series, what would it showcase? Would people be tuning in to cheer you on as you took the world by storm and pursued your dreams? Or would they be clutching their sides and nursing a cheek ache laughing at your numerous follies? Or maybe they would be shaking their heads with pity as they watched you spiral your life into a pit of misery? (okay, I’m being a bit dramatic). The point being, if you’re thinking right now, “thank God my life isn’t a reality show!”, then why not take this time to do a little self reflection and course correct where necessary. Ask yourself these questions:
1) Am I doing the job that I’ve always wanted to do, that utilizes my skills and taps into my true passion?
2) Is my personal life where I’d like for it to be?
3) When I pass the mirror in the morning, is my physical self pleasing to me?
4) Are my finances in order and not a source of stress in my life?
5) If someone showed up unannounced, would I be floundering to pull myself and my home together?
6) Am I generally in a positive mood more often than not?
7) Am I hanging on to some old baggage that’s weighing me down?

To All Men and Women: No one’s life is perfect but it also doesn’t have to be a complete drag. Take time to reflect on where you are in all aspects of your life. If something is off, start taking the steps to course correct. It’s never too late to pursue a new career, get in shape, forgive that person or learn a new skill. Your reality series is starring you! So be courageous, work on you and get ready for your close up!

What Men Really Want Part I: Responses from Male Readers

2007-09-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

You asked for it ladies, so here it is. I've received several requests from women readers to answer the question, "What do Men Really Want from Women?" So I figured, why not let my male readers sound off. I asked them to respond and boy did they! Too many responses for just one post so let's consider this Part I. Some pretty interesting thoughts here. I'll reserve my opinion for now. Read, ponder, discuss. Men, sound off! Do you agree? Disagree? Let me hear from you...

-Women assume men aren't as vain as them. Tell your man he looks good and how much you want him. There are women out there who really want your man and if they compliment him once and you never do, he thinks about that...and them. -Siddiqu M.

-Your man needs to feel comfortable talking to you about anything. Once you shut him down he'll likely not open up to you again. If you don't want to hear about his crappy day... he'll find a woman who does. If you don't want to hear about his team winning the football game... he'll find a woman who does. -Anonymous

-We need to learn to "co-exist". Don't try to figure [us] out. [We] don't understand why [you] need so many pairs of shoes and a million purses. [You] shouldn't try to figure out why [we] watch an entire game and insist on watching the highlights on sportscenter. - Scott

-A man wants to feel like he has a purpose in your life, and not just any purpose a huge purpose. Ask your man advice about your career, don't just come home and gossip with him about who you don't like at work. -Siddiqu M.

-Let a man be a man. Yeah you can cut your own grass, paint, pay for your own dinner but let him do it. He knows you don't really 'need' him but make him feel like you do. -Anonymous

Relationship "Red Flags": Spot them before the Altar

2007-09-11T18:37:00.000-05:00

The recent news about Shaq and Shaunie O’Neal got me to thinking about that hairy, discouraging number we call a divorce rate. The divorce rate continues to hover between 45-50% per capita according to the U.S. Census Bureau, with the average length of marriages between 5-7 years. With the rate being so high, it begs the question, were there any signs or “red flags”, as I like to call them, that could help couples avoid entering into marriage before they’re ready? Likewise, what are some ways you can begin to explore your relationship to determine if you’ve got some red flags looming in the background? Whether you’re single, in a relationship or in a marriage, try some of these tips to help you avoid being part of that dreaded 45-50%:

Gut check!: If my friends got a dollar for every time they heard me say “we need to rely on our emotional intelligence more” they’d be rich (and I’d be a willing dependent!). But it’s true people! If your “gut” is telling you something isn’t right, trust it and explore it further! Our emotional intelligence is a lot more informed than we give it credit for.

20 Questions: Warning, this tip could easily drive your partner nuts if you handle it like the Spanish inquisition. So go easy on them. It’s important to ask questions on a variety of topics to get a sense of what areas you’re in agreement on and what topics you’re going to need to work through to get to agreement. Check out Dr. Robin Smith’s book “Lies at the Altar” pg. 159-183 for an exhaustive (and I do mean exhaustive) list of potential questions. Cosmo also featured a shorter list of good questions to ask in their July 2007 issue.

Communicate: If something comes up as a “red flag”, don’t be afraid to communicate that to your partner. You may find that it’s easily resolved. Avoiding conversation about a “red flag” only breeds more “red flags”. So take a deep breath and go for it.

Will the real you please stand up!: Be authentic in your relationship. It’s natural to want to put your best foot forward when starting a relationship or even when trying to maintain one. But be sure that the foot you put forward is indeed yours and not some manicured replica of someone else’s! Meaning, there shouldn’t be a gapping disconnect between your “best foot” and your “normal, slightly callused, could use a pumice stone” foot. Showcasing the real you can help avoid creating that doozy of a red flag called, dishonesty.

Music Therapy: What's Your Soundtrack?

2007-08-26T09:50:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been driving in your car and heard a song come on the radio that made you think of that special someone? A song like, "The Truth" by India Arie. Come on... you know you have. You started smiling, singing along and having flash backs of him/her. Or maybe the song brought up a bad memory and you felt yourself getting agitated. So you quickly changed the station. Better yet, maybe it was a song you wished someone else could hear because it said everything you wanted to say but couldn’t (good or bad).
Music’s funny that way isn’t it? It has a powerful way of impacting and influencing emotions. In fact, music therapy is an actual health care discipline. For decades, music has been a well researched and empirically supported means of achieving therapeutic progress in individuals having trouble expressing emotions. So if you’re feeling like you could use an emotional tune-up, make your own soundtrack! Compile a list of songs to go with the different situations in your life, download to an ipod and strut your stuff! Here’s a sample list: (special thanks to my girl friends for the suggestions!)

-New Relationship: “Tell Me What We’re Gonna Do Now” – Joss Stone
-I’m Soooo In Love!: “The Truth” – India Arie, “You” – Jesse Powell
-I Messed Up, Take Me Back!: – “Teach Me” – Musiq, “Walked Outta Heaven” – Jagged Edge
-Back and Forth: “X-Factor” – Lauryn Hill
-#@$%!: "Hate on Me" - Jill Scott , “You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morrisette (explicit)
-Getting over him/her: “Shake it off” – Mariah Carey, “Bruised But Not Broken” Joss Stone
-Moving On: “Slowly, Surely” – Jill Scott, “Tears Dry on their Own” – Amy Winehouse

Relationship Talk Series: Fight Fair!

2007-08-25T08:21:00.000-05:00

In relationships, everyone responds to conflict differently. The vast majority of these responses can be summed up as either fight or flight. You're either the "runaway bride" looking feverishly for an exit and a way to avoid the conflict OR you're "Muhammad Al-leena" ready to duke it out as soon as he crosses the proverbial line. In and of itself, conflict is not a bad thing. It's how you and your partner choose to handle the conflict that classifies it as healthy or unhealthy. So let's get to the "how". Conflict often gives rise to arguments. When it does, don't preoccupy yourself with "winning" the argument. If you get stuck on trying to win the argument you're more likely to implore some under handed techniques to secure your win. This will in turn bring about more conflict and escalate the argument. Remember, the goal is to resolve the conflict NOT win the argument. I titled this entry "fight fair" because the title resonates. But truthfully, you should try not to see conflict as a chance to "fight" but rather an opportunity to collaborate on a solution. So here are a few tips to ensure a good, clean, "collaboration":

Don't rehash the Past!: As tempting as it is to bring up what he/she did 3 months ago that ended in an unresolved argument, don't do it. It's like adding fuel to the fire!

No Below the Belt: You know his/her insecurities like the back of your hand. So don't take this as an opportunity to exploit them. Remember that when they're not driving you crazy, you do actually love this person.

#$%#@!!: Try to keep the expletives and name calling to a minimum. Easier said than done, I know. But do you really want to work something out with someone hurling the "F-bomb" at you?? Probably not, so don't do it to them.

Listen...REALLY listen: Try to focus first on understanding their point of view. Ask questions if you don't understand something they are trying to express. Then turn the tables and ask them to listen for understanding from you.

Win/Win: Okay this is business talk, but it works! Both of you should focus on finding a solution to the conflict that is a "win" for the both of you. Don't stop at "compromise" because someone usually has to give something up. Go for the "win/win" instead!

Relationship Talk Series: "Where is this Relationship Going?"

2007-08-20T17:16:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh...the dreaded relationship "talks". I often get asked, "Keesh is it too soon for me to ask him where this is going?” I tend to err on the side of caution so my first response is often, "Yes! It's too soon!" Primarily because, in relationships, women tend to know fairly quickly (sometimes too quickly) if this is someone we want to try being exclusive with. Men on the other hand, not so much. My theory is that women are more resilient when it comes to bouncing back from getting our heart broken. As such, having the "talk" and plunging into another relationship is not as scary (emphasis on "AS") to us as it tends to be to men. Generally speaking, men tend to be a bit more cautious and need more time than women to decide to commit themselves.

So when is the right time to have the "where is this relationship going" talk? My advice, don't have it any earlier than 3 months, depending on how much time you and your new found partner spend together. Use this first 3 months to really get to know each other. Would you drive a car off the lot without test driving it first? Of course not. So give yourself and your partner, ample time to test drive before making a decision to buy. Whether you end up "leasing & trading in later" or "leasing with an option to buy", you need not rush the decision up front.

To All Men and Women: If you're at the 3 month mark (or longer) and it feels right to have this "talk", here are a few tips to keep in mind as you prepare:

No smoke signal!- Forewarning your partner about having the talk, only creates more stress. Likewise, starting your first sentence with "we need to talk..." is a double no-no.
Timing is everything!- Its safe to say that starting a deep conversation with someone who just got off work, is stressed about something else, or is getting ready to go somewhere is not a good move. You want their undivided attention, so be thoughtful about when you choose to bring up the talk.
No Piling On!- This means if you're in the midst of arguing about something else don't use it as an opportunity to say "and another thing...where the hell is this relationship going anyway?!" It's sure to go no where fast after that.
Drama Free!- Do your best to have a positive attitude and approach to the talk. If you lace the talk with a lot of complaints, crying, comparisons or ultimatums, you'll put him or her on the defense.

PMS...Not just a woman thing!

2007-08-12T17:59:00.000-05:00

I'm baaaaack!!!! Sorry for the hiatus folks! I promised that this blog would not be a discourse in "male bashing" and I intend to hold true to that. So for my male readers, please try not to take offense to this entry.

Lately, in conversations with friends and through my own experiences, the topic of men being moody just seems to keep coming up. It's a scientifically supported fact that the vast majority of women experience some form of PMS. But what about men? Have you ever called your guy, in a pretty good mood, ready to have a fun-loving conversation, only to be greeted by a healthy helping of attitude? Or maybe you found yourself in a crap storm of sarcasm when you tried to offer a bit of loving advice to a problem he was having. The truth of the matter is, men and women often experience cycles of mood swings throughout the month (sometimes even throughout the day!) thanks to our friend, the hormone. I recently read a book titled, The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D. In it, she shares a great deal about how hormones influence our relationships. I also learned that men experience something called "viropause" the male equivalent to "menopause". So that got me thinking, if men experience "viropause" doesn't it stand to reason that they would also experience some form of "pms"? Absolutely!! If you think estrogen is a doozy of a hormone, just read this book to find out more about all the havoc testosterone can reek on a man's mood.

To All Men and Women: Variables of all kinds, including biochemistry, influence the way in which we react and interact with our significant others. Even the most compatible couples have had to duck a mood swing every once in a while. The best thing you can do when you find yourself in the throws of your partners mood swing, is to not let it trigger you. Do your best not to let their negative mood hijack your positive mood. Things like tone of voice and affection go a long way when trying to soften someones mood. Give it a try next time your woman.... OR man is experiencing "PMS"!

Baggage...Get it Down to Carry-on Size!

2007-01-12T21:42:00.000-06:00

When it comes to relationships, I always say that no one can single-handedly sink a relationship and conversely, no one can single-handedly make it succeed. Yet, when relationships go awry, the first thing some people tend to do is ask themselves, "what did I do wrong?" So if this is any consolation, let me start by saying, it wasn't all YOUR fault. Nine times out of ten it was the result of a collision of baggage!

We all show up to our relationships with baggage. Baggage is basically the sum total and by-product of all the experiences we've had in our lives. The challenge of the relationship is to navigate through that baggage and form a loving, committed, mutually respectful, supportive and compatible bond. So the question is, how much baggage do you have and how is it impacting your ability to form healthy relationships? Think about it for a second...are you bringing your over sized skis, extra heavy suitcase with the duct tape on it and the clothes spilling out the sides? Or maybe you have so much that you showed up to the relationship with a Uhaul truck and some movers?!

To All Men and Women, my philosophy is this, get your baggage down to carry on size! If the issues you're bringing into your relationship can't figuratively fit underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin, then you have some introspection to do. A little baggage is normal, but more than that spells trouble. So before you get into your next relationship, do a little unpacking....

(look for upcoming tips on how to "unpack" your baggage)

Shortage of Good Black Men: Epidemic or Farce?

2007-01-03T18:51:00.000-06:00

Let me start by saying that the impetus for this article is very positive. What I mean by that is, for anything to be considered a shortage it has to first be "in demand". I think it's very positive that "Good Black Men" are in demand.

The other day, my best friend Kailei forwarded me a link to a YouTube clip about the reported shortage of Black Men. It was quite thought provoking as it addressed and disputed all of the usual reported numbers of Black Men in jail, gay or not educated. It took a stand and asked viewers not to believe all of the alleged statistics about Black Men. I even felt a goose bump or two as the narrator ended by basically saying that there are indeed good Black Men out there, so don't believe everything you read. I was ready to say "You go boy!" when it hit me.....I can count on all 10 fingers and toes the numbers of intelligent, accomplished, attractive, not crazy young Black women who are single and wishing they weren't. On the other side of the coin, I can name quite a few Good Black Men who insist they can't find a good Black Woman. How can this be? How can two groups of people who are looking for each other, be so "lost in the sauce" trying to find each other?

In speaking with my girlfriends, guy friends and even my counseling patients, it became abundantly clear that "good" Black Men meant many different things depending on who I was speaking with. Some defined "good" by level of education, looks, income, humor, chemistry, maturity, or some combination thereof. Others rattled off lists of criteria from here to kingdom come describing what "good" meant to them. The truth is, the longer your list is the smaller your pool to pick from.

To all Men and Women, here's my advice: It's okay to have preferences, but for your own sake, narrow it down to a few "deal-breakers" and let the rest be icing on the cake. If you have a laundry list of criteria you may in effect be sabotaging yourself (I'd need a virtual couch to address this topic!)

So is there a shortage of "Good Black Men"?....Well, I guess it all depends on how you define "Good".

Do Men have an Instinct to Cheat?

2007-01-02T20:19:00.000-06:00

I was listening to the radio on my way to work this morning when I caught an hour segment dedicated to relationships. The on-air personality asked listeners to call in and talk about why relationships don't seem to be working out these days. So a male listener called in and after hearing what he had to say I was ready to call the station myself! Basically what he said is that the reason relationships are not "working out" these days is because women don't know how to stand by their man after their man has cheated. He went on to say that men have been this way for years and will continue to cheat because it's a man's instinct to do so. Furthermore, women need to accept this fact, stand by our man and/or change the behavior that caused him to go out and cheat in the first place.

Where do I begin? There's not enough "blog" in the world to tackle this topic! Loosely defined, an instinct is an inherent disposition toward a particular behavior when prompted by stimuli. If you leave the definition here, it would certainly serve to support the above statement made by the radio caller. But the truth of the matter is, there is one thing that can override instinct, which separates us from animals...INTELLECT! We have the ability to reason and use intellect to determine if we should act on our disposition.

So back to the question, "Do Men have an Instinct to Cheat?" my answer is no. Cheating, although prompted by a stimuli, is the act of deciding to throw caution to the wind and be unfaithful to your partner. There may be several reasons/excuses why a man chooses to cheat (some of them may even be debateably good ones) but the fact of the matter is, it's just down right wrong and not to mention selfish.

This goes out to all men and women: If you haven't yet met the person who makes you want to exercise intellect & self control when faced with the stimuli of someone shiny and new, then keep it moving! Handle your issues, date openly/responsibly and be honest with the people you're dating. And please, please, please...for the love of all that's green...don't get into a relationship until you're truly ready.

2007: The Year of "The Come Up!"

2007-01-01T12:26:00.000-06:00

It's official, 2007 has rolled in and as with every year, me and my best friend Kailei have chosen yet another inspiring theme to propel us through the new year. So here it is folks.....2007 is the year of "The Come Up".

Allow me to elaborate, "The Come Up" is all about elevating yourself to a new level. Where ever you are in your career, take the next step up. Where ever you are in your romantic relationship, rise to the next level. If there is a circumstance, situation or person that's been dragging you down, use this year to escalate above it. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally this is the year for you to transcend your past woes, missteps, doubts and unproductive behaviors.

"The Come Up" is all about realizing the next level of possibilities in your life. So go out there, do you and make life happen. See you at the top....

Beat the Blizzard Blues

2006-10-29T09:36:00.000-06:00

I've heard it called everything from "the Comeback Season" and the "Holiday Hibernate" to the "Winter Lay-up". Whatever you choose to call it, it all means the same thing...that another Winter season has arrived and you've yet to find that special someone to clinck cocoa mugs with and watch movies you've seen a thousand times all while snuggled up under the fuzzy electric blanket your parents gave you when you went away to college.

Something about the winter time tends to evoke a feeling of wanting to be connected to someone. It's as if you begin to take more notice of your single status and somehow the excitement and empowerment of being single seems to pack up and head south for the Winter. It's certainly no help that this is also the season where there seems to be an on-slaught of back to back holiday events. Between Sweetest Day, the various Religious holidays, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, the inevitable parties your friends will host, along with those obligatory corporate functions, you're bound to get asked that dreadful question: " Are you bringing anybody?"

For some of you, going it alone is not that big of a deal. But for those of you who tend to feel sad about your single status around this time, you should know that you're not alone. Even the most self-assured, accomplished woman may experience the occassional period of lonliness or desire to be with someone special. Notice I said, "the occassional period". Although sadness is a valid emotion, it's important not to plant yourself down and grow roots in it!

However, if you feel like your level of sadness is too intense to shake off, then you may be experiencing a form of depression. Depression can range from minor to major and can be consistent or reoccurring as with Seasonal Affective Disorder. In any case, if you can't shake it off or if it affects your ability to complete your normal daily routine, then I recommend you seek professional counseling to help get you back on track.

But if it's not that deep and you can still find humor in the "pity party for one" that you insist on throwing yourself this time each year, then I've got a few tips to help you conquer that Blizzard Blues and reaffirm your Stunning Single Status:

There's Strength in Numbers!- If you're not quite ready to go it alone, then make a Winter pact with your best girlfriends to be each other's "dates" to this season's holiday events. I suggest you decide in advance which events you'll attend and which girlfriend will accompany you. This way it's on both your calendars and there's no potential to get stood up!
Pamper Yourself!- Develop a weekly Winter ritual that's sure to make "staying in", a rejuvenating experience. Spruce up your bath with some aromatherapy products, invest in a canister of Godiva Hot Cocoa, light a few candles and Voila! Instant cozy getaway for one.
Party Over Here!- If being around people refuels your energy level, then throw a little shin-dig of your own. Pack the menu with the ulimate in tasty comfort foods and fill the guest list with all your other single girlfriends who could use some reaffirming too!
Reading is FUNdaMENTAL!- Use this time to feed your brain with an interesting autobiography, some funny fiction or a trashy romance novel. I know it sounds boring but when the brain is engaged in reading it's very difficult to continue wallowing in your own circumstances.
Go Kick It!- The fact of the matter is, you're single NOT dead!! So don't stop socializing just because you don't have a date. Besides, the odds of Mr. Right coming to knock directly on your door while you're wrapped up in your "nobody should ever see this" moo-moo, are slim to none. So grab your best "I look good and I know it!" outfit and go strut your stuff girl!

Welcome!

2006-10-29T09:25:00.000-06:00

So okay...I'm a shrink with a passion for engaging others in meaningful conversation and introspection for the purpose of learning and self-acceptance. We're all works in progress either blissfully billowing through life or being dreadfully dragged through each day...Or maybe you're somewhere in between. Wherever you are, this blogspot is designed to reaffirm that: 1) Nobody's perfect, 2) How you feel is valid and 3) You don't have to keep curling up with your "baggage" at night anymore...It's time for you to whittle it down, drop it off, reflect on your life, learn from your life and bask in all the perfectly imperfect shining glory that is YOU!

Now please understand, this is not meant to be counseling by any stretch of the imagination as the counseling process is much more indepth. But you can think of this as sidewalk, common sense commentary for the therapeutically opposed....Enjoy!